Living the Vision

Last month, I learned to hold a vision that I wasn’t sure was a reality.  To my surprise, the images I inserted into my brain every time I panicked about Jax’s astronomically high ALP levels BECAME our reality.  Doctors can’t explain what happened, but I know what happened.  Yes, it might sound new age or hokey, but I am a true believer that thoughts become things now.  Group visualization is a powerful tool and it is one that I wish I had internalized years ago.  Thank you to everyone who helped holds our vision when we were weak or tired.    

Last weekend, we lived our vision!  We went camping in Carpinteria with 19 other children and their families.  Our acceptance into the Wolf Pack, as they choose to be called, delivered us onto a sandy beach that bordered a large, grassy field.  The rear of the field boasted a unique, semi-enclosed playground.  Across the street, a line formed in front of a popular burger shack.  In short, it was paradise.  The weather was perfect, there were children (or cubs, if you will) running around everywhere, and the beach was a five-minute walk over a nearby sand dune.    

Jackson went in the ocean for the first time (on his own terms of course, there is no persuading a Gemini!), squealing with joy until he turned blue with cold.  He also got to see his very first movie, projected on a huge screen in the field behind our campsite.  He sat for a few minutes, and then said excitedly, “There’s a fireplace over there!”  We learned some great new words like "campfire" and "s'mores" while cuddled in my pink camping chair.  He fell asleep that first night wrapped in my arms in front of the roaring fire, stuffing himself with marshmallows.  I think he outlasted all of the other children, and he had been up since 5:00am with only a 15-minute nap in the car.  (The benefits of being a Rooster Club member and head Party Animal, I presume!)

I loved the communal, tribal feeling of being with such a large group.  Everywhere Jax went, at least two little girls followed, holding his hand, tickling him, and feeding him snacks.  So many chairs surrounded the campfire at night that I couldn’t count them all.  We had a seemingly endless supply of drinks, snacks, and good company. 

Waking up super early was no chore at all when we had an ocean and a playground to walk to, friends to visit with, and best of all, the mint green garbage truck to watch as it dumped cans and dumpsters.  Jackson was overjoyed, to say the least. 

Several times during our paradise weekend, I had to stop and say, “Happy, thank you, more please!”  (This phrase is also the title of a movie I have been meaning to watch).  The euphoria I felt continued when we arrived back home, chock full of happy memories, stronger bonds, and inspiration. 

We can’t wait for next year!   

Holding the Vision

Just when you think it’s safe to go back in the water…

Our life over the last few years might best be characterized as a rollercoaster that has too many ups and downs, goes to fast, and has no operator to stop the ride.  From near-fatal complications during labor, to a NICU stay that disrupted the sacred process of family bonding, to a year of colic, reflux, medication, failure to thrive designations, and repeat hospitalizations, any mother would develop a little adrenal exhaustion, right? 

Following our recent hospitalization in March and April for a case of RSV that caused my son to go into respiratory distress in my arms in the middle of the night, I fell into a mild depression.  We were on house arrest for a month to avoid germs, since the virus had compromised Jax’s immune system.

Every time I “let go,” something terrible happens, I thought to myself.  I tried to implement my strict regime of therapy, vitamins, nutrition and even some exercise.  The days grew longer as summer approached and before long, I was feeling pretty good.  We spent our mornings on play dates, and our evenings cooking and hanging out.  Jackson was sleeping better, eating better, and talking up a storm. 

So, I let go.  I really did.  I was content for the first time in a long time, secure in the knowledge that we were over the last sickening drop on our roller coaster.  In fact, it seemed that we had managed to get off the ride.  We went to Jax’s two-year appointment without a care in the world until the doctor mentioned that it was now standard to pull a little blood at this time.  I was about to refuse, but something nagged at me. 

Once Jax had recovered from RSV, we were supposed to do a blood draw to ensure that his white count had gone back up.  I ran from the office, loath to allow any additional procedures to be done to my poor little guy who had ripped his own IV out in the hospital a few weeks before.  So, this time I figured we should probably submit.  The blood test was awful.  I felt awful for making him do it.  I took Jax for chocolate frozen yogurt, his favorite, to assuage my guilt.  Then, we forgot about it. 

Getting the phone call from our doctor at night a few days later was a shock.  Hearing that he had to repeat the test, because Jax’s alkaline phosphate level was off the chart, was a shock.  What was alkaline phosphate?  Of course, I googled it.  Thus began the biggest, sickest drop of the roller coaster yet.  We didn’t even realize we were still on the ride.  If I had any adrenal function left, it is surely gone now.  As we wait for the results of a specialist’s review and recommendations, I have to remember to hold the vision. 

What does this mean?  To me, it means believing in a very strange, fey thing that occurred during my descent into subspace during labor.  Once I delivered, everyone left.  They went to celebrate while I had this annoying little feeling that the experience wasn’t done with me yet.  It wasn’t.  As alarms blared on machines and nurses whizzed by, I went somewhere else.  I saw things I can’t explain.  I felt my grandmother’s presence.  I felt intense love.  I was supposed to join them but I couldn’t without asking about my son.  Would he be okay?

The response was a vision.  I saw my son grow up to be a man right before my eyes.  As though I was viewing time-lapse photography, I watched a tiny infant transform into a tall, blond man with a killer grin.  I knew I couldn’t leave.  When I snapped back into my body, in shock and ravaged by hormones and medications, the vision stayed with me.  The vision of Jax as a happy, healthy young man completely contradicts what doctors are trying to confirm or disprove now. 

A fellow preemie momma friend, Kasey Mathews, reports that a similar thing happened to her when she delivered her daughter, Andie, at just 25 weeks gestation.  She saw two roads.  One road led to a funeral.  The other led to a happy, healthy five-year old girl.  When Andie developed RSV around age 2 (again, strangely similar to our experience), Kasey wondered why this was happening.  When I contacted her recently she said she believed that this was her chance to do things differently.  She held her vision.  Her daughter Andie has defied all doctor predictions regarding growth and development. 

So has Jax. 

I will hold the vision, and I ask that you take a moment to share it with me.  Picture us all together, happy, healthy, years from now, celebrating our lives together with the gratitude each precious moment deserves.  Perhaps my previous lessons in gratitude did not go deep enough before, but I have been cut to the core and I am now re-building my worldview around gratitude.  I literally cried tears of joy the other night as I folded my husband’s socks.  I was so grateful to be at home, doing the most mundane of chores.  It is so much better than being in a hospital. 

All we ever have is this moment.  Cherish it, protect it, and be present with it.  Hold your vision, as I hold ours.  

Our Trashy Party

Where have I been?  Following a truly exhausting marathon camping experience in Yosemite, 23 loads of laundry, and three sleepless weeks of enduring another round of teething, I am proud to say that I single-handedly threw Jax the bestest Garbage Truck Party ever!

For those of you who have kids that love the garbage truck, you are well aware that there are no "Garbage Truck" themed party supplies.  I discovered this upon return from the Camping Trip from Hell (hereafter designated as CTH), and promptly went nuts searching blogs and easy for ideas.  Luckily, I found some!

I ordered the cutest invites from a gal on Etsy.  It was a single download that I had copied and cut at Office Depot.  They ended up being cheaper than purchasing store-bought invites, and of course as you know, there are no gaga tuck invitations.  Here is a link to the Etsy store I used for the invites:

Garbage Truck Party Invitation

I did a few things for decorations.  I collected clean trash for a few weeks before the party, and then we used a drill and some twine to make it into a Trash Garland:

I also made some cardboard signs:  The Junk Yard was our food table which had lots of Junk Food, of course!

 Yum, Waste Water!

 Jackson's "Dump" was the present table:

I had one activity other than the party-adjacent playground:  SMASH THE TRASH!  I must have called upon my inner preschool teacher for this one.  We had some leftover bubble wrap from my brother's move so I taped some clean, flat trash underneath and let the kiddos smash away.  Kids love bubble wrap.  (We should have wrapped my husband in it, but that is a story for another day).  

For favors, I ordered some of those mini trash grabbers from Amazon and little mini trash cans from Oriental Trading Company.  I stuck a gummy "bug" inside each trash can toy.  Then, I wrapped the favors in black dog poop bags so they would look like real trash, and topped them off by tying with a twist tie.  Then, I housed them in a "Recycling Center!"

 I ordered these super cute cake toppers from Toadally Cute, a seller on Etsy.  They turned out fabulous!

Toadally Cute Garbage Truck Toppers

I colored some garbage truck pictures to stick on our tables and then we let the fun begin!  The kids all had a great time, until about 12:30pm, when everyone under the age of 5 either pooped or pooped out.  I managed to get Jax down for his nap by 1:30pm.  All in all, it was a stupendouly trashy time!

Thanks to our amazing friends and family, we are the proud owners of a FLEET of gaga tucks.  I think we own 11 now.  That is my life.  (We also run out of the house screaming with joy three times very Tuesday morning when the Gaga Tucks come.  I think the Garbage Man in our town worries that I am a weird Trash Stalker.  The Gaga Tuck drivers have been looking a little concerned lately).  Again, stories for another day!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful, amazing, gaga tuck loving son, Jackson!

I Love Garbage Trucks T-Shirt